I fell asleep yesterday afternoon (a lot earlier than expected) and never really woke up until 8 am this morning.
So I've been up and watching Ao no Exorcist since then. My mind is all mashed up so I'm taking a break lol.
And recently, my dad has been pissing me off. Again.
I decided awhile ago that no matter how hard me and Suzuki try, our dad just screws up.
Sure, my grandma says he really does "loves" us, but it's hard to really give in when your trust in someone is just fading out with each time you try to reach out only to get crushed by that same person. And to make matters more stupid, my dad makes it quite obvious that he favors Suzuki more ever since I talked back to him for the first time for something he screwed up on. (Even Suzuki hates the attention.)
Plus, he's supposed to have us three days in a week but two days go to our grandma because of school so he only really gets us on Fridays, usually. But lately, he's been wasting our time by trying to get us to meet his new girlfriend. I mean, she's a nice girl this time but I'm tired of meeting all these different girls with a fake smile especially if she does something to make me dislike her. (Usually though, my dad insults us in front of them only to make him look like a smart ass.)
Me and Suzuki try to make it clear to him that we don't really care about his love life anymore and that we don't want to be involved unless we feel comfortable with her. So at first, our dad used to take us on Fridays with just all three of us, but then he would never shut up about her. Now, he brings her home on our day with him so I just feel like he's just forcing this on us again so I just don't want anything to do with him anymore.
I'm sick of it.
We also had to bluntly tell our grandma that we don't like taking about our love life especially if it's about marriage.
I honestly don't like thinking about it. It just brings back my hurt with my dad. Sure, love feels nice when you're with someone else...but to think you'll put your whole heart into someone terrifies me.
And even in my first relationship with someone...I did experience love.
But at a certain point, my trust faltered from that relationship due to an awkward love triangle.
Although..I stopped worrying about it now. We can all live our own lives our own way.
It's just my relationship with my dad that I'm just starting to feel disgusted about. No one can rile me up as much as I do with him. Luckily, Suzuki knows and tries to keep me away from him.
Speaking of nasty memories, I actually had a really ugly fight with Suzuki recently.
I usually wouldn't want to talk about it...but in truth, it was actually very heart-warming in the end.
And when I look back on this later, I know I'll laugh and think how stupid this moment was.
But anyway, Suzuki needed help on Japanese and I tried.
We were both tired so when I tried to suggest that she try to take more notes, we both snapped.
The next morning, it was okay. Felt tension but she was sorta talking to me when we were getting ready.
When we got to school, I noticed she ignored me completely (she was actually waiting for me to apologize) so I ended up walking away from her and avoided her throughout the whole day. I thought that maybe if I keep my distance, she'll get over it. I was already over it so I was just trying to be nice and let her have her space.
It did feel weird being by myself. We usually hang out with our friends every day.
And at one point, I was advised to ignore her too so that way she would be the first one to talk. (In almost every fight, I would talk first.)
So I tried and it came out to be extremely awkward on our way home together. I ended up walking on a different sidewalk lol.
And after hours (since I took a two hour nap), I finally spoke up and asked if we were cool or not.
Then, we snapped.
Our grandma had to butt in at one point to tell us to shut up, but we ignored her.
I got so frustrated and tired of it that I cussed and went to the back room of the house. It used to be my great grandmother's room and we called it a back room because it's technically a room leading to the backyard.
Anyway, it didn't take me long to grab two big plastic chairs and throw them around a bit lol.
After venting and being told by my grandmother to stop, I just sat down on the floor and broke down in the dark (I purposely didn't turn on the lights). I'm very emotional in general so whenever I break down...I usually let every little bit of emotion pour out of me.
Then, after I got calm, Suzuki came over to chat with me and we ended up making up since we were fighting over something stupid. But Suzuki admitted that she has been frustrated with me a lot lately because of my hearing problem and the fact that I tend to do things that irritate her. I apologized for it. I also admitted that whatever I do is whatever I do and that I never intend to irritate her, but I do get irritated myself with how she speaks to me sometimes. She apologized.
After our little chat, things got a lot better.
It's kind of funny how all of this kind of happened after Kawaii-kon...
But as long as I stay away from my dad, everything is pretty much normal now.
It's kind of sad to think that I have so much anger in me.
I mean, I'm already good at keeping it to myself whenever I'm with a friend or something (unless I trust that person enough or if they ask). I don't like to get people involved into my own problems and it's hard to be so personal anyway.
But sometimes, I wish I didn't have to hide it, you know? I just want to let it out.
Although...Suzuki understands so that's good enough for me anyway.
And I technically have this blog too lol. (Which is kind of sad too but eh. Better than ranting to someone about it. If anything, might as well put it somewhere where people will have the option to look and/or talk to you rather than talk to them in person and expect an answer from them.)
Huh. I feel a bit better now that I kind of put my feelings out.
I wonder when Suzuki will wake up.
I'll just go draw or watch more Ao no Exorcist lol.